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1. Karl Rove
Just look at this guy. What a putz! I think anybody who works at the White House should punch a time card. What are these people doing with their time? Isn't running the free world enough to keep you thin? Besides, being Bush's brain has gotta burn a few calories (though arguably, probably not that many). Of course, depending on where this whole CIA leak thing ends up, Rove may get a short stay in a federal fat farm, complete with his own orange jump suit. It worked for Martha.
2. Star Jones
Perhaps her current weight loss is the product of good ol' fashioned hard work, exercise, and changed eating habits but I don't think I am alone in my suspicions that she may have enlisted the help of modern medicine and surgery. In fact, I am not sure it's any big secret at all. However, I would bet that her bad habits, lush lifestyle, and lack of discipline could soon have her once again approaching Solar System Jones status, then Galaxy Jones, followed by Universe Jones. Maybe at some point she'll get so large she'll actually go super nova, at which point we'd have Super Nova Jones. Time will tell. Let's see if Star can prove me wrong.
3. Caroline Rhea
The host of the Biggest Loser is damn near contestant level herself! Maybe she could serve as a sort of pinch hitter? Wouldn't ya think the producers of this show might have considered someone who better exemplifies a life style of health and fitness? Instead, we're left with a host who probably doesn't even know where the start button is on the treadmill, but certainly knows how to strap on the old feedbag. What a heifer.
4. William Shatner
Captain Kirk not only knows space but these days, he's occupying a great deal of the stuff himself. Bill's still got the attitude, but the physique these days is looking a little soft and a little large. Now granted, Bill's no spring chicken, but his days of bagging hot, green Martian's seem over.
5. Alicia Keys
When she's sitting, Alicia is a stunning woman to be sure. BUTT when she stands, we're stunned in a whole other way. Yikes! Alicia needs to push herself off the piano and away from the dinner table and spend a few minutes a day reeling in those hips and thighs. The alternative is to hire a carpenter to reinforce that piano bench. Go with granite or possibly marble for a classier look. Concrete is sturdy and durable, but not much to look at.
6. Jason Whitlock
Jason's a fairly well known sports commentator who happens to be located in my neck of the woods. He writes a popular column in the Kansas City Star and regularly makes appearances on various sports TV talk shows. I like Jason's style; he's unforgiving and passionately opinionated. He also happens to be built like a toad. Jason, quit commentating on sports just long enough to maybe participate in one or two. It just might do the body good.
7. Alec Baldwin
What has happened to Alec? Holy shit! Alec went from middle- aged hunk to middle-aged plumped chump. Really plumped! Is this method acting? Does Pillsbury need a new spokesperson? Did the Michellin Man retire? Come on. One things for sure, you can't blame your ballooning carcass on Kim's senility. Get off your ass Alec.
8. Vince Gill
Wow, caught county singing star Vince Gill on the tube the other day. Yeesh! Seems the good life put about one hundred extra pounds on ol' Vincy. It's one of life's cruel little jokes; money, fame, and a fat ass! Yee-hah cowboy. I sure feel sorry for your horse.
9. Tara Reid
Is Tara a blimp? No. Is she healthy? No. Is she a rocket scientist? Definitely not. Tara's right where I put Paris Hilton last year and Britney Spears the year before - young girls resting on their laurels and momentarily alluding father time. Tara's clearly having a lot of fun right now but fun comes at a price and ultimately we all pay the piper. Tara just has to decide how long she wants to keep running an unhealthy tab. Otherwise Tara might consider a credit line with her plastic surgeon.
10. Bill Murray
It pains me to put Billy on the list. I grew up with Bill. Caddy Shack and Stripes are two of my all time favorite films. But Bill, you're looking bad. How about just a little tone to that saggy, flabby physique? Would it kill ya to touch a weight? I am not asking for a physique like the Rock for crying out loud. Just a physique that'll ensure you'll be around to make me laugh for a whole lot more years.